Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Make Your DVD Player Region Free

This is just too good to be true. It took me about three minutes to turn my bedroom DVD player into a multizone player. As I type this, Patti LuPone is jibbering about having one buttock, I'm watching my REGION1 dvd of Patti & Kristin in Candide from my bed. With my Miss Kitty...

Make Your DVD Player Region Free

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Goths




Queue outside local Goth nightclub.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

PROOF! All yuppies are repulsive scum

I gave one the benefit of the doubt, you see. In return, I was used for everything that could be taken and summarily executed, as you'll read below.

By way of background, I said something deeply offensive. I pointed out to a scum sucking yuppie that some lives [i.e. western, white, wealthy] are granted more value than others. I observed that it appeared to me that the poor had suffered disproportionately in the New Orleans flooding. This caused a yuppie brain overload. The only response that he could manage was to call me an extravagantly childish name and skulk home from a concert at interval. It was so camp, so very overstated, as to be comic.

It's hard to decide which is more revealing. Maybe it's the revelation of so limited an intellect that a case simply can't be constructed, probably because no underlying ethical system exists from which to build. Or, just perhaps, yuppie filth knows the truth and can only run away to avoid reckoning with his part in the massive global inequity in distribution of wealth. All evidence would indicate that this person avoids paying tax in any country.

I heard with my own ears the statement, made with utter conviction, that Bangladesh should be left to endure their endless flooding if they can't afford flood mitigation. That so lacks fundamental human compassion and even decency that it borders on the reasoning of a psychopath.

And, despite no scientist in the world being certain, Yuppie Cornlumpsinmydesignershit KNOWS the location of 'Atlantis'- the Island of Santorini. All the nonsense I learned at university studying Plato and Jung is just wrong. I was TOLD by somebody who can claim a full two year diploma in PR as academic credibility.

on 'Atlantis'
on 'lost cities'

Maybe it's hard for yuppies to understand real people's lives. On Father's day, also the anniversary of my late fathers death AND the day that would have been his birthday, I was feeling a bit burdened. A fever in the upper range and the excrutiating pain of shingles [herpes zoster] made me less than sparkly.

Maybe I'm self-indulgent, but to punish a HIV+ person for having immune problems seems a little heartless. Attacking a depressed person for being depressed equates with, as I see it, pushing somebody over because they have no legs.

Would it seem cynical to observe that the yuppie's mood darkened and continued to degenerate when I didn't produce cocaine on demand? The twat even rolled his eyes at me and complained as if I'm somehow meant to be his personal cocaine mine. The fact that I'd invested most of my day chasing about to find drugs for him very literally didn't warrant listening to. It all makes me wonder if yuppie-o is as well connected as he makes out. Coke should be very readily available in the circles he claims to inhabit. It's incredibly rare in my world. We get our kicks beating up yuppies.

Cutting toward a chase... this is the response, much of it quite baffling, that I received after writing to suggest we take a break and then try 'adult dialogue' to stop the communication problems:


Message 3 of 8
From: yuppie hq
Date: 05 Sep 2005, 05:54:59 PM
Subject:
Re:
HTML content follows


Robert,

Dramatics weren't my goal last night but I just wasn't enjoying the evening. It seems for us to have a decent night out, one or both of us has to continually bite his tongue. And last night, it was clearly neither of us was interested in that.

Despite a lot of shared interests, we clearly have vastly divergent pictures of the world.

You seem to want to convince yourself there's nothing to live for and it's up to everyone else to convince you otherwise. Well, I gave that a go but then you dig in harder looking for proof and that just gets exhausting.


Baffling bit #1. Beyond comment, really. Good evidence of how people who might know better will use HIV and/or mental illness to bludgeon the sufferer whenever they choose.


Grown-ups have to find their own reasons to live. I hope you find yours.

?? Um, OK. That from somebody who has lived for nothing but money and the next drink. How dare he presume to comment on topics so beyond his understanding?



If you want to clear the financial slate, it's $X00 for your tickets for the Tonys, Rosie and Summer Rain.... minus what you paid for my tix to Producers, Rainbow, Nana and Death in Venice.


Did I say something about the primacy of money?


If you want to send a cheque or money order, address is 136 Kangaroo Point Rd, Sylvania, NSW 2224.

I hope that I don't get confused and post a bowel movement,


I hope you find what you're looking for in your southern retreat and in life.

And with that I'm fired! Absolutely for the best. I dont need people who are so insecure that they get their kicks belittling others. [Short man with tiny cock BTW]

Anybody who will throw away the best part of twenty-five years in favour of dialogue isn't worth another moment of my time.

Monday, August 29, 2005

despite damien hirst


wet 23rd St



despite damien hirst

not even the rain
can wash clean
hotel chelsea
as the water flowed
it brought to my window
wonders of many kinds
a thing that looked like an ice-cream
abandoned in haste by a distracted child
had settled
and become stuck there
to be joined
in the next rains
by the shrivelled white
corpse
of a mouse

r j shaw

Latest Autographs.

I'm still compulsively collecting autographs. The paramaters of what is collectible often stretch when I'm in eBay mode...



Mary Martin
Who could resist early, ingenue Martin? It's almost porn by the standards of time
It's reasonable to guess that this was signed very early in her career, probably while she was a chorus girl?


Barbara Cook
Be humble in the presence of greatness.
I couldn't have asked her for an autograph any of the times that we met, bad manners.


Liza Minelli
This picture of Liza Minnelli is signed by the wrong person. Somebody called Andy Warhol? A curious mix-up, I think I'll just chuck it out.



Sophie Tucker
Yes, Bette Midler's 'Soph'. This is a letter written shipboard between NY and London. It is addressed to a New York Times columnist and suggests that Ms Tucker is fleeing a scandal involving Eddie Cantor. I can send a large version to anyone good with old handwriting.

If you've never heard the real Sophie Tucker let me know. She'd never get away with being such a 'bawdy broad' today.

Michael York
This is where edges start to blur in my 'mission'. Michael York isn't really a Broadway legend but he was in the Cabaret film and I already have the two other leads [Liza and Joel Grey]. Plus, I think he's dead sexy as Isherwood.

The Ads


Then, there are also the 'vintage' ads. Mostly Broadway people captured flogging whatever product would offer money. There are a dozen of these altogether, this is a prejudiced selection.



Shirley Jones
what can I say?


Gwen Verdon
No cavities for Sweet Charity!


Shirley Maclaine
No skin flaws for Sweet Charity


Mary Martin
Looking less like a showgirl...


Charles Atlas.
I've wandered right off now! The best connection back to Broadway is that Frank sings 'the Charles Atlas Song' in Rocky Horror.
This marks a spooky new twist, an interest in 'vintage beefcake'....


The Beefcake

A Johnny Weissmuller selection. Autographs are rare and pricey. These are restrikes from original RKO publicity stills. Most of them pre-date 'the code'.














...phallic?

















'Location' shoot on a Hollywood backlot.
















Woof!























Does this evoke Rocky Horror for anybody else?




Hanging out with a hung friend

Other Art Things

Not autographs, but destined for my walls:



GB Shaw.
Set of antique tobacco can cards.



Ice Creams by Andy Warhol.
Seen here are two of four real art prints, not signed unforunately! The four are being framed as a set to go with Liza.


Green Sam- Andy Warhol
Unsigned. Large art print.


Red Sam- Andy Warhol
As above.




Detur Gloria Soli Deo



How nice to see the old school in the news. Such warm memories of carefree days peeling with laughter and soaking in wisdom. Hold on, that was a movie I saw...

Any suggestion that the school was any different when I was there is laughable. If we trust psychiatrists, most of the mental hygeine problems I have today trace back to being raped, beaten, taunted, and spiritually abused during six years sentenced to this low-church anglican bedlam.

Sanity for Today!

Coming Soon: Trinity Grammar School Bullying, the Class Action.


One boy's cry for help exposed a culture of bullying in a Sydney private school and triggered widespread change, Frank Walker writes.

THE VICTIM of the Trinity Grammar bullying case this week celebrated an out-of-court settlement with the school by heading off to therapy - just as he has done for the past five years. It's a well-established routine that helps him deal with the nightmares he still suffers after repeated assaults by a gang of bullies in the school dormitory when he was in year 10.


The victim, now 21, has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but his father says a weight seems to have lifted from his shoulders after the settlement. "He is a very different boy," the father says. "He is relieved it is over. We are happy and now want to move on."


Although neither party can talk about the settlement, compensation experts say it could be as much as $500,000.

The victim, however, still can't manage to talk to his family about what happened at the Trinity boarding house. All his father knows is what he read in the police statement of facts tendered to Bidura Children's Court in 2001. The details included assaults with a large wooden dildo, dubbed "the anaconda" that one of the boys made in one of the school's woodwork classes.


The father has always feared that for every assault in the court documents, many more had gone unreported. "One of the worst things is that he was betrayed by boys he thought were his friends," the father said. "He was part of that group of boys who turned on him. They had come to our home as guests, but for some reason they turned on him and what they did to him . . . wooden dildos . . . for Christ's sake!"


While the names of those involved in the case have been suppressed for legal reasons, The Sun-Herald has kept in contact with several of the victims in the past four years. The younger, year 9 victim, who was 14 when he was assaulted more than 50 times, has sadly gone off the rails. He left Trinity to finish his School Certificate at a government school and says he was happy there because nobody bullied him. But recently he has been in trouble, charged with breaking into a car.


Now 18, he refuses to live with his grandmother, who raised him, and who fears he has fallen into bad company. "He is in no man's land," says his concerned grandmother.


"It [the bullying] has devastated him," she says. "He could have been a top sportsman but everything fell apart after he went to that school. The school didn't even tell us about the bullying.


"The first we knew was we got a call from the police saying he would be a witness in the case they were bringing against the year 10 boys. The school knew he had problems as both his parents died, but they didn't protect him.
"His two brothers at the school also left. The younger one was bullied by others who said he was the brother of a dobber. He left the school too."


The younger boy won an out-of-court settlement in 2003. The terms can't be disclosed but some sources say the payout was also as much as $500,000. The victim's lawyer, Ben Slade, was horrified by the student's account of the bullying. "There was an environment of fear inside the school. Every day was grounded in fear and my client suffered more than 50 assaults. It was soul destroying and psychologically, permanently damaging."


The bullies went to other schools to finish their Higher School Certificate, one of them at The King's School. The two worst offenders are still in Sydney, one at university, the other working in the city. Schoolmates say they never talk about the bullying or "the anaconda".


Trinity headmaster Milton Cujes, who denied there was a bullying culture at the school, is still in the role despite pressure during the scandal for him to resign.
The older victim decided last year to sue the school to make them face what had happened. "He still wanted an apology from the school," his father says. "He wanted the headmaster to stand up and admit the school was wrong and that he [the victim] wasn't to blame for the scandal brought on the school."


His son was so furious at the stonewalling by Cujes after the court hearing in 2001 that he sat down with The Sun-Herald and detailed a tradition of year 7 students being bullied. He says racist abuse of young Asian students was common, teacher supervision was so slack the bullies carried out their attacks with impunity in the dormitories during lunch breaks, despite the screams from the victims and laughter from dozens of boys cheering the bullies on. "We were all bullied in that school," he said.


But some good has emerged from the awful saga.


Adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, a spokesman for the National Coalition Against Bullying, says the Trinity scandal rang alarm bells for schools, teachers, principals and governments across the country. Urgent action had to be taken against bullying.


"Since Trinity there has been much more monitoring of bullying in schools and efforts to combat it," he says. "I have never seen schools do so many surveys of their students and be so vigorous in the drafting and implementation of anti-bullying policies as in the past four years.


"Trinity was the turning point. You would never have had the huge increase in research into bullying and the money available for anti-bullying programs if Trinity had not hit the headlines."


A string of surveys were completed. One found 16 per cent of students felt bullied at least once a week, another found 40 per cent had attacked another student in the previous 12 months.

"I give talks around Australia on bullying and headmasters everywhere say to me about Trinity: 'There but for the grace of God go I'," Carr-Gregg says.

"There has been a huge increase in litigation against schools for bullying in recent years. There is a growing militancy among parents who are refusing to lie down and take what was being meted out by many schools. For decades schools said, 'Don't worry about it, it's all part of growing up' - but they aren't taking it any more. Trinity was a catalyst, and in that way it is really good news."

He says the parents of one boy at a Sydney GPS school, who was beaten up in the playground, threatened to take the school to court and inform the media unless the school paid $500,000 compensation. "As far as I know they did [get paid]," Carr-Gregg says.

Others also went to court. In 2003, Lisa Jane Eskinazi, 21, was awarded $76,000 after she sued Melbourne's Sandringham Secondary College for the bullying she suffered as a 13-year-old. Almost every day she was called a "fat bitch", "fat slut" and "two-dollar hooker" by her classmates. When she complained, teachers told her to relax by watching the TV comedy The Nanny.

She went from an A-grade student to failure. She still suffers nightmares and depression.

Private schools have reasons to be worried about angry, litigious parents.

A 20-page paper presented at a recent legal convention by Dr Keith Tronc, A Plaintiff Lawyer's Guide To Suing Non-Government Schools, gave tips on how to take action against bullying and low academic results.

In NSW, education authorities rushed after the Trinity scandal to put in place strong anti-bullying programs. But the most forceful action began last January with the implementation of a compulsory anti-bullying program that all schools must adhere to.

In May, the Board of Studies gained the power to send inspectors into all private schools to ensure anti-bullying programs were in place. As a direct consequence of the Trinity scandal, private schools have to prove they are adequately managing the welfare of students.

They are now forced to document their daily business, including anti-bullying and anti-racism programs, and teacher training. Education Department inspectors can visit boarding schools to ensure they comply with building regulations and student welfare requirements set out by the Government.
Trinity has made extensive efforts to assure parents it has strong anti-bullying programs. The school's website displays a two-page anti-bullying policy.
Students are encouraged to report bullying in any form.

Those reluctant to report face to face can send confidential messages on the internal "E-Care" email system to the school's senior psychologist.
The father of the 21-year-old victim sighed last week when told of the changes. "At least that is something good to have come out of all this. I just hope no other kid goes through what my son went through


A victim of bullying in the exclusive Trinity Grammar boarding school has been awarded a legal settlement, believed to be $500,000, after the school settled out of court last week.


The bullying case made headlines four years ago after four year 10 boarders were charged with several counts of sexual assault, including using a large wooden dildo dubbed the "anaconda" that one of them made in a woodwork class.


They pleaded guilty to lesser charges of assault in the children's court and walked free on bonds. Their victim, a fellow year 10 boy, sued the school for lack of supervision, breach of duty of care and compensation for his physical and psychological injuries.


The victim, now 21, was due to present evidence when the case opened in the Supreme Court next week, but last week the school asked for mediation and settled for an undisclosed sum.


The victim did not want to talk, but his father said his son hoped he could now put the nightmare behind him.


"He just wants to put it past him and get on with his life," the father said. "He is relieved it is over. We are happy with the settlement and now want to move on."


Trinity Grammar School at Summer Hill is the largest Anglican school in NSW, with 1700 students. Fees are $17,400 a year, $33,120 for boarders.


Both sides are forbidden from discussing the settlement, but compensation experts said it could be about $500,000. The victims and bullies cannot be named for legal reasons.


A second bullying victim, who was in year 9 at the time of the assaults in 2000, was awarded a settlement in 2003 that was also believed to be as much as $500,000.


That means the bullying cost the school $1 million in payouts to the victims, on top of the damage to the school's reputation.


The case caused a furore and dozens of parents pulled their sons out of the school.


Police said in a statement of facts, tendered to the bullies' court hearing in 2001, that the year 9 victim had been assaulted more than 50 times and the year 10 victim 25 times in a "culture of bastardisation" that existed in the school's boarding house.


Headmaster MilThe victim, however, still can't manage to talk to his family about what happened at the Trinity boarding house. All his father knows is what he read in the police statement of facts tendered to Bidura Children's Court in 2001. The details included assaults with a large wooden dildo, dubbed "the anaconda" that one of the boys made in one of the school's woodwork classes.

The father has always feared that for every assault in the court documents, many more had gone unreported. "One of the worst things is that he was betrayed by boys he thought were his friends," the father said. "He was part of that group of boys who turned on him. They had come to our home as guests, but for some reason they turned on him and what they did to him . . . wooden dildos . . . for Christ's sake!"


While the names of those involved in the case have been suppressed for legal reasons, The Sun-Herald has kept in contact with several of the victims in the past four years. The younger, year 9 victim, who was 14 when he was assaulted more than 50 times, has sadly gone off the rails. He left Trinity to finish his School Certificate at a government school and says he was happy there because nobody bullied him. But recently he has been in trouble, charged with breaking into a car.


Now 18, he refuses to live with his grandmother, who raised him, and who fears he has fallen into bad company. "He is in no man's land," says his concerned grandmother.


"It [the bullying] has devastated him," she says. "He could have been a top sportsman but everything fell apart after he went to that school. The school didn't even tell us about the bullying.


"The first we knew was we got a call from the police saying he would be a witness in the case they were bringing against the year 10 boys. The school knew he had problems as both his parents died, but they didn't protect him.

"His two brothers at the school also left. The younger one was bullied by others who said he was the brother of a dobber. He left the school too."

The younger boy won an out-of-court settlement in 2003. The terms can't be disclosed but some sources say the payout was also as much as $500,000. The victim's lawyer, Ben Slade, was horrified by the student's account of the bullying. "There was an environment of fear inside the school. Every day was grounded in fear and my client suffered more than 50 assaults. It was soul destroying and psychologically, permanently damaging."

The bullies went to other schools to finish their Higher School Certificate, one of them at The King's School. The two worst offenders are still in Sydney, one at university, the other working in the city. Schoolmates say they never talk about the bullying or "the anaconda".

Trinity headmaster Milton Cujes, who denied there was a bullying culture at the school, is still in the role despite pressure during the scandal for him to resign.

The older victim decided last year to sue the school to make them face what had happened. "He still wanted an apology from the school," his father says. "He wanted the headmaster to stand up and admit the school was wrong and that he [the victim] wasn't to blame for the scandal brought on the school."

His son was so furious at the stonewalling by Cujes after the court hearing in 2001 that he sat down with The Sun-Herald and detailed a tradition of year 7 students being bullied. He says racist abuse of young Asian students was common, teacher supervision was so slack the bullies carried out their attacks with impunity in the dormitories during lunch breaks, despite the screams from the victims and laughter from dozens of boys cheering the bullies on. "We were all bullied in that school," he said.

But some good has emerged from the awful saga.

Adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, a spokesman for the National Coalition Against Bullying, says the Trinity scandal rang alarm bells for schools, teachers, principals and governments across the country. Urgent action had to be taken against bullying.

"Since Trinity there has been much more monitoring of bullying in schools and efforts to combat it," he says. "I have never seen schools do so many surveys of their students and be so vigorous in the drafting and implementation of anti-bullying policies as in the past four years.


"Trinity was the turning point. You would never have had the huge increase in research into bullying and the money available for anti-bullying programs if Trinity had not hit the headlines."


A string of surveys were completed. One found 16 per cent of students felt bullied at least once a week, another found 40 per cent had attacked another student in the previous 12 months.


"I give talks around Australia on bullying and headmasters everywhere say to me about Trinity: 'There but for the grace of God go I'," Carr-Gregg says.


"There has been a huge increase in litigation against schools for bullying in recent years. There is a growing militancy among parents who are refusing to lie down and take what was being meted out by many schools. For decades schools said, 'Don't worry about it, it's all part of growing up' - but they aren't taking it any more. Trinity was a catalyst, and in that way it is really good news."


He says the parents of one boy at a Sydney GPS school, who was beaten up in the playground, threatened to take the school to court and inform the media unless the school paid $500,000 compensation. "As far as I know they did [get paid]," Carr-Gregg says.


Others also went to court. In 2003, Lisa Jane Eskinazi, 21, was awarded $76,000 after she sued Melbourne's Sandringham Secondary College for the bullying she suffered as a 13-year-old. Almost every day she was called a "fat bitch", "fat slut" and "two-dollar hooker" by her classmates. When she complained, teachers told her to relax by watching the TV comedy The Nanny.

She went from an A-grade student to failure. She still suffers nightmares and depression.

Private schools have reasons to be worried about angry, litigious parents.
A 20-page paper presented at a recent legal convention by Dr Keith Tronc, A Plaintiff Lawyer's Guide To Suing Non-Government Schools, gave tips on how to take action against bullying and low academic results.

In NSW, education authorities rushed after the Trinity scandal to put in place strong anti-bullying programs. But the most forceful action began last January with the implementation of a compulsory anti-bullying program that all schools must adhere to.

In May, the Board of Studies gained the power to send inspectors into all private schools to ensure anti-bullying programs were in place. As a direct consequence of the Trinity scandal, private schools have to prove they are adequately managing the welfare of students.

They are now forced to document their daily business, including anti-bullying and anti-racism programs, and teacher training. Education Department inspectors can visit boarding schools to ensure they comply with building regulations and student welfare requirements set out by the Government.

Trinity has made extensive efforts to assure parents it has strong anti-bullying programs. The school's website displays a two-page anti-bullying policy.
Students are encouraged to report bullying in any form.

Those reluctant to report face to face can send confidential messages on the internal "E-Care" email system to the school's senior psychologist.

The father of the 21-year-old victim sighed last week when told of the changes. "At least that is something good to have come out of all this. I just hope no other kid goes through what my son went through



Sunday, August 21, 2005

the only truly traditional family values are greed, manipulation and self-interest

Just a cut&paste, but an article I thought worth sharing.

Mother's surviving tra-la-la
Leading the glamorous life...

SUSAN MAUSHART - the Australian
Marital decomposition

August 20, 2005


I always feel slightly queasy whenever people preach about "preserving family values" - as if the nuclear family were a decomposing body or a punnet of overripe plums.As a single mother, I resent the implication that our family unit is "broken" just because there's no man who presides over us. (Broke? You betcha. But broken? Never.) And anyhow, show me the family that hasn't been slightly chipped and cracked and I'll show you one that's been in the box too long.

The best defence against those who would preserve the hetero-normative family at any cost is an understanding of the social history of marriage. According to sociologist Stephanie Coontz, "marriage" has been evolving continuously since hunter-gatherer times. And the quote-unquote traditional values we associate with it are as sturdy and enduring as your average edible G-string.

For thousands of years, Coontz observes in her new book, Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage, marriage was about "acquiring in-laws, jockeying for political and economic advantage and building the family labour force". Which, from an historical perspective, means the only truly traditional family values are greed, manipulation and self-interest.

By comparison, the ideal of a lifelong, monogamous union based primarily on love, let alone that crazy thing called intimacy, is a breathless evolutionary arriviste - and anyone who tries to tell you differently can just get consummated.

As for those who wield the concept of traditional values as a stick to beat innocent women and children with - and me and my kids, too - and then defend their stance as pro-Christian, well, happily, salvation is at hand. In fact, the divorce rates of evangelical Christians are exactly the same as those of agnostics and atheists. And in the United States Bible belt, where the marriage-minded buckle up for safety early, divorce rates are the highest in the country.
Pro-marriage proselytes who insist that all human groups practise some form of marriage (presumably in the hope that they'll get it right one day) are also misinformed. Notes Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, "In many cultures, all a woman needs to do is hang her hammock next to that of a man and the resident anthropologist is busily noting her 'marriage'" - even in cases where, to "end the 'marriage', all she has to do is take her hammock back to her mother's hut - or to another man's."


Now that's what I call family law reform.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Luxury isn't at all me...

I'm in Melbourne tonight- I took a quick zoom down here to see a production of Sunset Boulevard with several of our finest singers under the direction of one of the world's best. It was excellent, anyone interested in an audio souvenir knows who to talk to.

I got a deal on a 'good' Hotel in the package. It's all really very nice with tasteful if safely fashionable fittings. Silly little luxuries are everywhere, would you believe a 'pillow menu'? The mini bar is stacked with 'top end', there are magazines for people who care about whatever they're about. I've a CD player, a TV, a fax machine,a television that I gather works- I haven't tried it. I'm intrigued by the little stool at the foot of my bed. In movies, people sit on them while taking their sox off before bed. I feel that I should perch on it, something like a toad on a stool. Just sit there and pose to get full value for my luxury dollar. Perhaps order a $37 plate of 'smoked trout with seasonal selection of salad greens' from room service to fill the scene out? I have a private bathroom with no broken window looking out over a century's piled debris. Track lighting with dimmer switches contrast the hanging Hotel Chelsea bulb.

And, of course, it's at Hotel Chelsea that I'd rather be. I feel so out of place here, I don't blend in with the self-conscious chic. I can't relax in this room- it's all too precious and prissy and poofy and puffy. There's no cats, no mice, no all-night glow of sleazy red neon. Nobody smiles or says 'hello'. Reception is always attended by different 'between jobs models and actors' in clone suits. It's 100% impersonal. There is no life here- just a too soft mattress.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Balmain Boys Don't Cry

B'ah! Just when my blogging and correspondence was catching up, I've been bumped by illness. I don't quite know what's up, it's the syndrome I get when I'm too stressed out. I have unusually high amounts of virus in my blood, that equals constant exhaustion. Throw in allergy season, a persistant fever & itchy rash and I'm fucking miserable to be very honest.

I had a really fun week back there waiting for tests to check for blood / marrow cancer. Fortunately, those tests came back clean.

persistence being a virtue, I'm still working on the things that I need to. The symptomology of my depression has shifted totally since I got back and I'm not doing so well with unusual experiences like a total dread of going out the front door.

I received some new furniture recently and launched into an enthusiastic reorganisation of my unit. That went OK until the energy started to run out. I got a few bonus challenges like my entire bed splitting and crumbling into kindling when I attempted to move it. So, now I have all these heavy bedparts that I don't have the strength to move to get rid of. I started on it last night and piled up some pieces at the elevator ready to go. When I called it the elevator was, as usual, fucked. I've just left the pieces there with a note saying 'sorry about junk- no elevator to move'. Now that the elevator is working again, there is no hope of me moving it all because I'm a heap sicker than I was yesterday. I can't stand up without my head spinning like a disco ball- forget carrying giant chunks of wood. That just makes me feel like a bad neighbour but the arsehole super could have moved it so let's blame him, hey viewers?

Just how I get out to choose a new bed is, aburdly, a real question. There's nowhere accessible that doesn't require a car. Yesterday I tried walking over to the megaplex zone out of stubborn willfulness. I found nothing- got hopelessly lost, spent about three hours walking and, I suspect, pushed this illness a notch further. And I hate living on a mattress on the floor. Especially while I have asthma. So many heavy things have to be moved and I'm struggling to sustain the energy to write this. The energy going into re-orging and the chaos of having much in transience means basics are falling behind. I used to have domestic help once a fortnight but it was withdrawn because I actually do make the effort to help myself. I wasn't dysfunctional enough so I was cut free? What kind of sick, repressive healthcare is that?

'Dread', a powerful force in everything I do. There's probably a better word for it in German, they specialise in complex emotions. I so totally fear what might go wrong next that some days checking the snail is more than I can manage. This part of it is truly pathological, don't know what label it would earn.

I sit, usually near frozen, with the message going out from my brain but my body refuses to respond. I know totally where it comes from, I'm [clinical sense] still traumatised from being harassed out of my home by the Abo crims. I don't think anyone knows how deeply, and probably irreparably, that damaged me.

Going outside = panicattack. So much re-enforces the stay inside option that it can be a little spooky. Aside from being bored beyond reason by Sydney, I just can't willingly subject myself to the bad transport, expensive everything, plasticpeople... The dread is very real and it's physiological manifestation isn't glamorous at all. It is, to grind the axe to a point, as crippling as being mobility impaired.

The longer the chaos in the unit is an issue the less capable I'll be to deal with it. Depression can make it too overwhelming to even know where to start. Forming a rational, strategic approach is more than my brain can do at the moment. Not being distracted from plans is very hard if they do happen.

And at the end of it all, there really is nobody is going to help. I'm alone and I have to be the best I can. "It's what I have to work with".

I'm sure I'd do better if I had some energy left over from surviving to be creative.