Monday, August 08, 2005

Balmain Boys Don't Cry

B'ah! Just when my blogging and correspondence was catching up, I've been bumped by illness. I don't quite know what's up, it's the syndrome I get when I'm too stressed out. I have unusually high amounts of virus in my blood, that equals constant exhaustion. Throw in allergy season, a persistant fever & itchy rash and I'm fucking miserable to be very honest.

I had a really fun week back there waiting for tests to check for blood / marrow cancer. Fortunately, those tests came back clean.

persistence being a virtue, I'm still working on the things that I need to. The symptomology of my depression has shifted totally since I got back and I'm not doing so well with unusual experiences like a total dread of going out the front door.

I received some new furniture recently and launched into an enthusiastic reorganisation of my unit. That went OK until the energy started to run out. I got a few bonus challenges like my entire bed splitting and crumbling into kindling when I attempted to move it. So, now I have all these heavy bedparts that I don't have the strength to move to get rid of. I started on it last night and piled up some pieces at the elevator ready to go. When I called it the elevator was, as usual, fucked. I've just left the pieces there with a note saying 'sorry about junk- no elevator to move'. Now that the elevator is working again, there is no hope of me moving it all because I'm a heap sicker than I was yesterday. I can't stand up without my head spinning like a disco ball- forget carrying giant chunks of wood. That just makes me feel like a bad neighbour but the arsehole super could have moved it so let's blame him, hey viewers?

Just how I get out to choose a new bed is, aburdly, a real question. There's nowhere accessible that doesn't require a car. Yesterday I tried walking over to the megaplex zone out of stubborn willfulness. I found nothing- got hopelessly lost, spent about three hours walking and, I suspect, pushed this illness a notch further. And I hate living on a mattress on the floor. Especially while I have asthma. So many heavy things have to be moved and I'm struggling to sustain the energy to write this. The energy going into re-orging and the chaos of having much in transience means basics are falling behind. I used to have domestic help once a fortnight but it was withdrawn because I actually do make the effort to help myself. I wasn't dysfunctional enough so I was cut free? What kind of sick, repressive healthcare is that?

'Dread', a powerful force in everything I do. There's probably a better word for it in German, they specialise in complex emotions. I so totally fear what might go wrong next that some days checking the snail is more than I can manage. This part of it is truly pathological, don't know what label it would earn.

I sit, usually near frozen, with the message going out from my brain but my body refuses to respond. I know totally where it comes from, I'm [clinical sense] still traumatised from being harassed out of my home by the Abo crims. I don't think anyone knows how deeply, and probably irreparably, that damaged me.

Going outside = panicattack. So much re-enforces the stay inside option that it can be a little spooky. Aside from being bored beyond reason by Sydney, I just can't willingly subject myself to the bad transport, expensive everything, plasticpeople... The dread is very real and it's physiological manifestation isn't glamorous at all. It is, to grind the axe to a point, as crippling as being mobility impaired.

The longer the chaos in the unit is an issue the less capable I'll be to deal with it. Depression can make it too overwhelming to even know where to start. Forming a rational, strategic approach is more than my brain can do at the moment. Not being distracted from plans is very hard if they do happen.

And at the end of it all, there really is nobody is going to help. I'm alone and I have to be the best I can. "It's what I have to work with".

I'm sure I'd do better if I had some energy left over from surviving to be creative.


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